One Girl in Christianity

"I just can't do this on my own anymore."

That's how I heard someone else describe what motivated their search for God.  That pretty much sums it up for me, too, although my experience wasn't as direct as, "I feel alone and frustrated, now I want to go to Church."

I'd been feeling like something was missing for a long time, but I didn't know what it was and I didn't know where to find it.  All I knew is that I had a "happy place" I could always count on.  That "happy place" had something to do with my favorite Rolling Stones records, trips to the City, playing the guitar, daydreaming.  

I was raised Mormon and thought I knew what it was like to have God in my life.  "Been there, done that" so to speak; I was inactive for five years.  I loved the "standards" and many of the doctrines taught--and still do--but spiritually, something was missing.  Something about going to Church didn't sooth my anxiety.  It didn't heal me in the ways that I needed to be healed.  So I just gave up on organized religion as having the answers.

Meanwhile, life kept happening.

Once you get to be twenty-seven years old, you start seeing patterns.  You start running yourself into the same ground, over and over and over again.  You get your heart broken one too many times.  You flee to your music and favorite records one too many times.  If you're like me, maybe you struggled to find close, true friends.  You start getting bitter.  "Thank you art for always being there for me,  but is this really all there is?"  All the things that constitute your personal "happy place" still comfort on you, but relying on them solely starts to feel like a dead end.  

No one likes being cynical or feeling alone, so you fight the feelings.  You start really wanting to be happy and think well of people, so you try to be positive on principle.  You try to be strong and independent.  You work on you.  You try to fill your life with those things that make you happy.  You try to say, "I can do this.  I can make life good.  I can take the high road."

But then all it takes is for something to go wrong.  Maybe someone's rude to you or you get frustrated with your art, whatever.  It's a daily battle.  And that flood of negative feelings comes back.  "See, the world's a bad place, and people don't really care so I have to be strong for myself" you say, again.  But maybe this time it's starting to ring a bit hollow.  You're tired of relying on self-manufactured happiness and positivity.  You get tired of trying to do it all on your own.

The reality is, you can't do it on your own.

But you don't know that.  If you're like me and you didn't have a great experience in organized religion, you don't think God can really help you.  So you just keep plugging along.

I'm still very much in the process of investigating religion and I don't know exactly where I'll land.  Prayerful, careful study of the doctrines of every denomination including Mormonism  is in order.  All I know, is that I'm having a positive experience in Catholicism so far and it's giving me hope that all the good things I'm fighting to find in my life--hope, happiness, self-esteem--are real things that I can find.  I can find them not as a matter of my own self-manufactured "positive thinking," but because they really exist.  They have a real basis in something that's true and eternal: God.  God created me to feel those things, to find those things.  God-not my circumstances--can be the rock I base my happiness on.  So it doesn't matter if I feel liked or loved by other people.  It doesn't matter how successful I am.  It doesn't matter if the world seems to be a good place to live in or not.  My faith can give me the courage to keep my chin up, feel loved, and put love back into the world no matter what it gives to me.

For me, the "a-ha" moment was sitting in Mass, both at St. Joseph's in Mountain View where I live, and at St. Dominic's in San Francisco.  

For starters, the Mass is an extremely reverent, spiritual experience.  It's mostly music.  But there's also a lot in the way of prayer and meditation.  It has the quality of making you feel small before the greatness of God, and yet counted for.  An awesome paradox.  But mostly, it makes me feel peaceful.  It makes me forget myself for an hour or two.  It makes me feel at rest and refreshed.  I just feel better about myself.  I feel hopeful.

The "a-ha" moment was when I thought about how the Mass made me feel and realized that those feelings were surprisingly familiar.  In fact, they were the feelings I had been fighting to have.  They were the feelings that I would run to my "happy place" in search of.  In other words, they are the feelings I get from my favorite music, from travel, from learning.  That feeling of "awe" and "wonder."  The feeling that life is amazing and that there's so much to do and enjoy.  Curiosity, creativity, peace, self-worth.  I was experiencing those positive things in a religious setting.

I always trusted implicitly in my "happy place."  Having a religious experience that harmonizes with--even reinforces it--is proving to be a wondrous, thought-provoking experience.  The linking of the two is what's helping me make that "leap of faith" that the religious experience I'm having is true, real, and good.

So maybe God has always been there.  In my music, in the art enjoy, in all the hobbies and things I would cling to when I didn't feel like I had anything else.  But this time, it feels wonderful to think that those things make me feel amazing because they come from God.  Not because I just happen to like them.  Not because my particular imagination enjoys them.  But because they are gifts from God.

All in all, it's the feeling of God coming out of the Church, the feeling of finding God in the things I enjoy.  The feeling of not being alone.

Feels good.

Thank you, God!

A Mormon service is just different.  Mormons have a Eucharist too, (The Sacrament), but they have much less in the way of singing.  No candles.  Very little artwork in the chapel.  The space of worship is bright and well lit.  The spiritual focus of the meeting is the Sacrament; the vast majority of the meeting--in terms of time spent--is on sermons or "talks."  All in all, it's pretty information intensive.  Listen, learn, apply.  Listen, learn, apply.

The way I experienced Christianity as a Mormon was very much about learning what I needed to "do."  I make covenants with God; he promises to bless and protect me if I am obedient to my covenants.  I go to church to renew my covenants (take the Sacrament) and learn what I need to "do" in order to keep my covenants.

Standars are extremely important in Catholicism, too.  But the preaching of doctrine and what one must "do," seems to not be the emphasis of the Mass at least.  Yes, there is a homily and a few readings.  The rest of the service, however, is music, prayer, meditation, and the partaking of the Eucharist.  All of this is done in a space with stained glass, lower lighting, candles, statues, and other artwork.  A mood is set.

What I enjoy about the Mass is the feeling of losing oneself in a spiritual experience.  All the music, prayer, and meditation makes me forget myself in a way that is very soothing.  In Mormonism, constant contemplation of what I must "do," made it difficult to let go in that way.  I was always very "aware" of myself, and, as a result, my life/ego/day-to-day.  The structure of the Mormon service I suppose, made it harder for me to get "in the zone" spiritually.  If we define spirituality as getting in touch with a higher power, the Mass really helps me do that.

I'm finding that with all that music, prayer, and meditation comes an amazing feeling of being at once small in comparison to the greatness of God and yet counted for.  An awesome paradox.  I'm also left with a feeling.  This feeling is a mixture of wonder and awe for God, peace at knowing he's there for me, and a feeling of hope and general well-being.  And this is where things start to get a bit mystical, lol.  What is that feeling?  The feeling of being in contact with God?  The feeling of letting Him into my heart?  I'm not sure, but I enjoy it.

Interestingly, this "feeling" is something I recognize.  Honestly, it's the feeling of happiness.  A feeling akin to what my favorite music makes me feel.  The way it feels when I'm at my most creative and imaginative.  The feeling of being curious, fully engaged, refreshed, more fully alive.  So, since the feelings are the same, I can only conclude that God is also in those things I enjoy.  Suddenly, things feel interconnected in a way that's surprising and amazing.

There's a feeling of God coming out of the Church and into my life that makes me want to nurture the things that make me happy, more.  I realize that my "happy place" is God's place.  I always stubbornly defended it; knowing that God is somehow involved make me celebrate it all the more.

As far as comparisons between Mormonism and Catholicism are concerned, I've only started to scratch the surface.  Comparing the doctrines will be the real test, and I'm determined to study things out and be prayerful.  

So far, there are lots of doctrines in Mormonism that resonate, but honestly, for me something is missing spiritually.  Perhaps I've just not approached Mormonism in the right way; time will tell.  

Catholicism is perhaps less satisfactory doctrinally; for example, Catholic doctrine doesn't account for a pre-existence (so who was I before I was born?)  And Catholics believe that Eve was misguided in her partaking of the fruit, whereas Mormons believe "The Fall" was part of God's divine plan.  

Doctrinal questions linger, but for me personally Catholicism is more "spiritually" satisfying.  Masses are incredibly reverent.  I think less about "me" and if I'm "doing" the right things and measuring up.  There is more of a focus on the awesomeness of God and less on how obedient I am and whether or not I'm doing what I need to do.  Taking the focus off of "me" and "I" really feels good right now.

And, just to bring this entry full circle, returning to the comparatively heavy role of ritual and art in Catholicism.  I read that Catholics are passionate about the concept of "Incarnation," or the idea that God took on human form as Jesus.  Mormons do not believe in the Trinity and thus do not believe in the doctrine of Incarnation.  Catholics do, however, and this makes them passionate about incarnation in other forms.  Stained glass, music, lighting, incense . . . these are all physical expressions of the spiritual.  Catholicism is keen on making the spiritual physical, just as God became physical.

The Catholic writer who explained this also stated that his concern with Protestantism is it's "lack" of incarnation.  The absence of art and ritual makes it difficult, he believes, for the worshiper to fully experience God, to get the full "flavor" of the divine.

Honestly, something about all that ritual and art is working for me.